Time to do some NFL math
It has reached the point in this NFL season when everything has been reduced to a mathematical equation.
And there's nothing more fun than square roots.
Except for a well-placed hypotenuse.
For most teams not named New Orleans, Arizona or Houston, there is a path to the playoffs and there is a path out of the playoffs. The path out usually involves the Jets.
For the Carolina Panthers, the playoff scenario is simple - keep coach John Fox in fresh bubble gum, keep throwing the ball to Steve Smith and keep feeding quarterbacks to Mike Rucker.
Having already sent the bill for playoff tickets, the Panthers might as well maximize the investment.
The Panthers can't clinch anything but Jon Gruden's jaw this Sunday. It's more clear-cut, however, for some other teams.
The Bengals, for example, can clinch the AFC North on Sunday with a win and a Pittsburgh loss. The Patriots can clinch the AFC East with a win and a Miami loss.
And, the Texans can clinch Reggie Bush with four more losses.
So, if pi are square, Week 14 must look like this:
TAMPA BAY at CAROLINA: The Panthers can check the Bucs off their Christmas list. Panthers 27, Bucs 13.
OAKLAND at NEW YORK JETS: One question hangs over this game - which one will Matt Leinart play for next season? Jets 13, Raiders 12.
HOUSTON at TENNESSEE: After careful consideration, Meineke Car Care Bowl officials decided to take N.C. State-South Florida instead. Texans 28, Titans 21.
CHICAGO at PITTSBURGH: Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will probably need surgery on the boo-boo in his right thumb once the season is over. That means anytime after this Sunday. Bears 21, Steelers 13.
NEW ENGLAND at BUFFALO: Tom Brady as Sports Illustrated's Sportsman of the Year. Nice call. Patriots 24, Bills 20.
CLEVELAND at CINCINNATI: Winner gets Akron. Bengals 41, Browns 21.
ST. LOUIS at MINNESOTA: There's more stuff going on here than in the "Knots Landing Reunion" show. The Rams are trying to out-dysfunction the Vikings, who suddenly look like the Chicago Bears.
Brad Johnson, who was believed to be out of professional football by everyone including Vikings coach Mike Tice, has turned into Joe Montana and the Vikes are talking playoffs. Stranger things have happened, but usually on a party boat. Vikings 34, Rams 24.
INDIANAPOLIS at JACKSONVILLE: Unless Peyton Manning is taking the day off to film another commercial, the Colts make it 13 in a row. Colts 32, Jaguars 17.
SAN FRANCISCO at SEATTLE: The next-best thing to a bye. Seahawks 32, 49ers 10.
WASHINGTON at ARIZONA: Let's say you're sitting at a bar and a guy or a girl or both offers to buy you a beer (or a wine cooler, if that's your thing) if you know which team leads the NFL in passing yardage per game this year. What's your answer?
If you put down the beer nuts and say the quarterback formerly known as Kurt Warner and the Arizona Cardinals, you win. The is something Arizona rarely does. Cardinals 27, Redskins 17.
NEW YORK GIANTS at PHILADELPHIA: Wondering what to get the Eagles fan on your Christmas list besides a dose of anti-depressants? There's a sweet video available on the team's Web site documenting the making of the Eagles' cheerleaders' lingerie calendar. Interesting that it's about the only thing that's not marked down. Giants 33, Eagles 12.
KANSAS CITY at DALLAS: Everything says Chiefs but Cowboys 21, Chiefs 17.
MIAMI at SAN DIEGO: Choices you don't want to have to make: Gus Frerotte or Sage Rosenfels. It's not easy being Nick Saban. Chargers 42, Dolphins 17.
BALTIMORE at DENVER: See San Francisco at Seattle above. Broncos 38, Ravens 16.
DETROIT at GREEN BAY: In a not-so-related bit of discouraging news, there's talk of creating even more college bowl games next season. No playoff, of course, just more games to invite bad teams to play meaningless games. Kinda like this one. Packers 23, Lions 20.
NEW ORLEANS at ATLANTA: Has anyone seen Michael Vick's cape? Falcons 23, Saints 17
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